Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
