Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
