"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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