When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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