The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
