The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
