so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
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It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
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Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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