Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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