I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
