just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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