My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
