At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
