The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
