my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
