new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
