I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
