Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
