To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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