I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
