My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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