I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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