Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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