The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
