How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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