Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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