Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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