I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
