i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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