He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
