I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
