I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
the liver wants what the liver wants
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
