dude i'm inner monologue high
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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