I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
