I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
