Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize