the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
