my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
