We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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