shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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