the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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