normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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