Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
