Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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