I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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