Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
