There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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