i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
