Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
