I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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