she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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