Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
