Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
