I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
