OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
