Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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