My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
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