So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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