There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
